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The Need to Seek Approval

It is not uncommon to encounter an individual who had a difficult time in life trying to win the approval of their parents. Psychologists, counselors, and therapists the world over find that issues with a parent are often at the top of the list for people who seek professional help dealing with their issues.

I was one of these souls. The fact that I rejected the faith of my family effectively branded me the black sheep of the family and an outcast. Sure, it hurt my feelings initially, but I’ve done the healing work to understand that I am pretty damn amazing whether my family ever recognizes my unique individuality or not.

Would I seek approval from my kids?

Fast forward several years… I’ve reconciled my life so that I’m no longer predisposed to seek approval from my parents. Now, I’m a mother and diligently working to avoid a similar dynamic with my own children.

I wanted a nose ring. For some reason, I envisioned myself with this cute little sparkly embellishment and it made me giddy with a child-like joy. In my mind’s eye, I’d have it on the right side of my nose, because I part my long hair on that side of my face and I felt that aesthetically this was THE ideal spot for an embellishment. I longed for a tiny rhinestone for quite a long time before I finally mustered up the courage to go in and just get it done.

The moment arrives… I’m sitting in the chair, waiting for the piercing to begin. I’ve worked through the issues that used to haunt me about what my parents will think – I’m past the point that I’d seek approval from them anyhow. I fully understand they will disapprove, seeing this choice as just another in a long string of “poor decisions” that must be related to me being bi-polar or on some kind of recreational drug. I know in my heart it isn’t a phase of rebellion, it’s not even a statement of any kind – rather, a simple embellishment that brings ME joy.

In that moment, though, I was hit with a wave of panic – Suddenly, I’m worried about what my children will think? Ruh-roh. I’d worked through the issues caused by my desire to seek approval from my parents and family, but it had never occurred to me until that moment, that I might seek approval from my children. What will they think? Will they still love me, or will they think I’m a goofy old person who is still trying to be cool?

After a few deep breaths, and a quick check in with my inner self – I realized that I am my own person and proud of that, without apology, whether facing backwards in my genealogy chart, or forward.

My choice to get a nose ring wasn’t for ANY other person. It was simply an action taken by me, for me, for my personal enjoyment. And the second I looked in the mirror, I KNEW I had made the perfect choice for me. I loved that cute little rhinestone in my nose, all sparkly, shiny, and tiny. I felt feminine – and I knew in the moment, this was a choice I would never regret. And seven years later, I haven’t.

Do you seek approval from your child(ren)?

This experience brought to light how often we hide who we want to be – and that sometimes, it’s not the fear of what our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents might think –  but what our own children will think.

But I’m supposed to set this [insert whatever outdated paradigm you might have inadvertently embraced] kind of an example for my child.”

This is a real life pressure that we often buckle under. Somewhere along the way we may have picked up the notion that we have to be the ideal parent. Stepping into the role that we believe we are expected to play, we often give away a huge aspect of ourselves, believing that our personal identity is no longer a primary concern. This is incorrect perception.

It is vitally important for children to see their parents embracing their individuality. From a very young age, children learn the most from the examples their parents set.

I was sensitive to how my future progeny would view me. If you catch yourself wondering ‘what will my child(ren) think?’, pause to get in touch with your center – you deserve to be an individual free from the judgments of others, including your offspring.

Take heart in the fact that your child(ren) will love you no matter what you do… they are learning from you… and if you are willing to embrace your own unique individuality, by default, you are encouraging them to do the exact same thing.

With mucho a latte of love and respect,

Your Transformation Tour Guideno longer seek approval from yo

u.

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